I AM Sensitive. There I said it. (Touchy might have been a better word, but for now, I'm claiming sensitive.) Being a bigger sized person for most of my life has made me sensitive to how I view myself and how others view me. And not only me, but how I view others and how I see them being viewed.
My mom hates fat people. She loves her son, but she hates that I've been fat most of my life. Unfortunately, she never sees that she "might" have had a hand in that, but that's for another blog. And now that I've bashed my mom, I shall bash myself. I don't like fat people too much either. I like them as people, but I would never date one. I wouldn't date the man I see in the mirror. I know I have a BIG heart, but it's just above that BIG belly that I don't like (read hate), so heart or no heart, I wouldn't date me.
Shallow, yes, I think I am. I have often thought, why would He like me. I don't like what I see. Now human gratification can outweigh (no pun intended) my self loathing for a "quickie". (If I need to spell it out, private me and I'll explain.) But in a long haul, it's me I wake up with, shave with, shower with, etc and I don't like me in the long haul, so precious few get past the wall I erect.
Now that I've bashed my mom AND me, I'm ready to bash others. I frequently watch the Biggest Loser. I even watched some of the Celebrity Fitness shows, but those were so fake, a blind deaf person could have seen through those shows. I do NOT like Ruby because of the really HUGE lies they have told on that show. There is NO fucking way she did a mile in 15 minutes! There I said it and I stand by it. After run/walking over 250 miles in a little over a year, a 15 minute mile is still pushing it for ME. And Ruby did not do one.
Next rant... ha ha As much as I like and respect the Biggest Loser, I want to see the Biggest Gainer on TV. It is completely fair to make fun of fat people and their eating habits/disorders, but not skinny people? Today I read the news of the French model who died at the age of 28 at a height of 5'4" and 70.5 pounds. There wasn't a picture of her on Yahoo, so I googled her. And the pictures were astounding. Really those pictures were quite disturbing! I then read a very long article and blog about Jeremy Gillitzer. I will attach a link at the end of this blog.
This story broke my heart. It really made me sad to see a man who had eating issues his whole life and to end up dying at age 38 and weighing only 66 (SIXTY SIX) pounds. Again, it was astounding.
I read about of these dying two from anorixia and I thought of how I feel the exact same way about someone who weights 400 pounds. Each person with eating issues or disorders has an issue that affects every fiber of their being. The only BIG difference is we put the fat person on a TV show, hire two kick ass trainers, put them through hell hoping that they will come out thinner and a winner. I'm sure (or I pray) that behind the cameras there are people there to help them their emotions. No adult gets to 400 pounds or 66 pounds without having an issue.
With a couple of my heavy friends, I have plotted a reality show on how to get skinny people to gain weight. It's NOT nice; it puts me squarely on the Naughty list. But how sad that others who want to put the fat people on a show are not considered Naughty, but considered Nice.
Size DOES matter. It matters because for so many of us who are overweight or underweight, we are adversely affecting our bodies. I return over and over again to the same thing : Mental Health. I think that the more I get a grip on true mental health and how to use it, harness it, soothe it, I will be able to properly affect the way my body looks.
If you are disturbed my photos of anorexia or malnourishment, please do NOT click on the link below. They are not pretty pictures. I viewed the blog as a reminder to be GOOD to myself, to LOVE myself (ever how hard that may be) and to be truly KIND to others. All of us have issues. Those issues are simply person specific.
Peace and Love!
http://www.2medusa.com/2009/08/jeremy-gillitzer-shadow-of-his-former.html
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